I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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