OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think i got beer on your cat.
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