well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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