I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He better not be in your backpack
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
