had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
