You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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