I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
