I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
