I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
