Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
