I heard we made out
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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