Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
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