ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
