genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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