It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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