You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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