I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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