In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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