So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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