So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
