how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
