I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
false alarm. still invincible.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
