Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
