I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Panties = found
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
