im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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