My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
