Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have demons in me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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