He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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