It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
