Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
