Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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