At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
