it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
