I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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