Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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