as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
