girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
