every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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