I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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