can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
