my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
