I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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