U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
