She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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