Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza