'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
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and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.