dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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