she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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