update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
