Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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