I just saw a hot homeless man
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
