can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
