Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize