I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
