I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
