fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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