hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
