Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
