who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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