dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
