I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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